Christopher Biggins ice skates

The judging panel captained by scouse blue eyes collectively winced at this years’ line up,

It was getting tough to distinguish panel from contestants now,

As they shrieked their mindless opinions at each other on prime time

About their life changing journey, undertaken in the few free weeks

before panto seasons starts

Career professionals reluctantly do their best

To make the contestants efforts pass for entertainment

‘It’s just too difficult’ they sob into their sparkly costumes,

The tears allowing the mask of sincerity to slip for a second

As they attempt a posh dive into a meaningless vacuum

It just goes to show that anyone can do anything badly, even celebrities

Mocks a former celebrity panellist to anyone who’ll listen

Footballers can’t dance,

Newsreaders can’t bake cakes,

It’s hilarious, quality entertainment

Disregarding the fact that for most of us,

Each new season is a fresh splinter

From the very bottom of a scraped barrel

In the final

Tammy from TWATTIE had 5 minutes to bake a three tier showpiece gateaux

whilst dancing the bolero round an SAS assault course

At the end, scouse blue eyes shook her hand,

Whilst she vomited what was left of her soul

Onto Christopher Biggins ice skates

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