Let me begin, like so many meetings have before this, with a completely unnecessary round of introductions. My name is Phelan Tweed, People and Persecutions Manager at Hell Inc. I am in charge of the hiring and…. firing, amongst my other duties. I frankly won’t listen to your names or job titles, unless there’s something in it for me. Honesty is very important here.
You may have heard people in your company say they have been around forever. Well, in fact I actually have. I was here at the beginning when Mr B. set up the company, back in the days before there was light. Recruitment back then was difficult let me tell you, what with there only being two people in the world but we managed. We have some excellent head hunters, and you know what those snakes are like.
In our most recent board meeting we discussed how it might be about time we gave something back to the community. We agreed that as long as it didn’t cost anything and didn’t involve any extra work for the board it was an excellent suggestion. I suggested the idea of a newsletter sharing all our tried and tested approaches to managing people. We know there may be some companies out there who already implement some of our cultural policies, kudos to you trailblazers. For the rest of you, I hope these insights will inspire you and we can take steps together towards complete world domination, or at least a sensible absence policy.
See you in Hell next time.